Taking a Break - Obviously

I have not posted for a little bit, not because I haven't been around or anything, but because this obsession with food, exercise and weight loss is really getting to me. I just have to stop focusing on it so much. When I focus I seem to do the worst.

A few years ago I lost a lot of weight. Right after my husband died I was up to a high weight. I am not sure the exact weight because I never really weighed myself, but it was around 200 pounds. I wore a size 20. Then in December of that year I decided I needed to lose weight. All I really did was start thinking about losing. I did not exercise. I did not diet. Some of the changes that I can remember (because I did not focus in on losing so therefore there was no plan) are - not eating bread with dinner, eating breakfast on most days (usually it was bacon and eggs and toast - didn't eat lunch often) and rarely eating fast food. I have really been thinking about this because by the end of that summer I was down to a size 12 - comfortable. I went from a size 20 to a size 12 without a diet and without exercise! Now, I am almost back to where to I started.

Now, I am stressing over every little thing I put in my mouth. I am counting calories, fat grams, carbs. I am telling myself I can not eat certain things. I am exercising all the time. I am gaining weight - NOT losing it.

I can only believe that it is the constant obsession with losing weight that is holding me back. When I lost all that weight I didn't give it a second thought until I started to notice my pants were falling off and people kept telling me how thin I looked.

So, I can not do this anymore. I need a break from the obsession. I have to step back and take some time to just chill out. If I don't I am going to get bigger and drive myself crazy.

What's the Deal?

Well, no run today. 5k training is not going well. I wonder if we will ever get started. I may have to fore go the workout buddy thing and just do it myself. Kind of bummed. I wanted to get out there today and test the shins, but, alas, didn't happen.

I am at least doing a 5 mile indoor walk tomorrow.

I am gearing up for the low fat lifestyle. I am getting all the fatty stuff out (most is going in my tummy, but there are starving children in Africa to think about. Can not waste food),

Work will be much less stressful after next week. That is the last week of high demand at my editing job. It will be pretty slow until mid July. That will help me out tons. I can be outside because I can do my writing on the laptop. Plus I will have more flexibility in my schedule.

Had Spring Break at school this week which was much needed. Back to the grind on Monday, though.

I am dying tomorrow - clothes that is. I have a whole bunch of stuff that needs a new life and now that I have a washer I have decided to dye them. Probably going with black. I am thinking of making everything in my wardrobe black just because it is slimming.

Got to clean house tomorrow, too. Also it is the detox day, so wish me luck... making it to the potty on time. LOL

PS I just looked up my fat intake and it is 42 grams a day. Seems like a lot, but I am guessing it is not. That is only 375 calories from fat a day. I can do this, though.

New Day - BAH

I can not seem to get anything right lately. Dang it, man. Bad day again. Tired of being the only person to clean or cook (kids can't cook and their cleaning skills leave a lot to be desired, so it is all me.) so it leads me to eating out.

I have decided that the low carb and the low calorie thing failed me. However, I have not tried a low fat diet. So that is next. I actually think I can do low fat because when I shop I usually pick low fat stuff off the shelves. I also am not a big meat eater - usually chicken or lean beef. It will not take a lot to watch my fat intake as there are many low fat options for just about anything I could want.

The only issues I for see are my love of all things dairy. Now, low fat sour cream and milk are fine, but low fat cheese is just too expensive for me. I may buy one thing of cheese and make it last.

I am actually excited about a low fat diet because I think it is the diet for me. I do not have to stress about my pop drinking and naturally bring myself to lowering my intake instead of feeling like a loser with every can. I also can curb my bad fast food habit. I just need to head tot he store for more chicken breasts and some low fat milk and sour cream (and maybe that package of low fat cheese). This could work.

I am doing the detox on Saturday and Sunday is Mother's Day so I should not have to stress that day, so low fat diet starts Monday. I am looking forward to it. I like that if nothing else it is good for my heart and I am being so kind to my heart these days that I may be the only person in my family to avoid heart surgery, high blood pressure or other heart related ailments. I guess if I am still fat, at least I can be happy in knowing that my heart is good.

Oh, not listing the food I ate today was not by chance. You DO NOT want to know what I have eaten or drank today as it may make you gain weight just reading it.

Bad Day All Around

It rained most of the day and was gloomy the rest. Hate that. Then around 8am the internet went out and my phone (get both from the evil cable monopoly). They were down until about 2pm so that meant nothing to do all day. Unfortunately I had started the day with internet and knew it was a busy work day so I got McDs for breakfast - had a coupon for a free McGriddle with the purchase of a McCafe. Well, after sitting around all day bored to death I jumped on the chance to go out to lunch so I had Wendy's - small fry, grilled chicken. I had pop and then bought a frosty milkshake thingy on the way out. Then I had more pop with dinner which was a grilled chicken breast (I really like chicken) and baked potato with homemade bread. I also had a brownie with caramel sauce and whipped cream - need to get rid of these they are killing me. So, total 4 pops today which is still more than I want to consume and no water because when I didn't have a pop I had a coffee. That is really bad. I should go get some now.

My shins have been iced on and off all day. No running today due to weather. Did strength training instead. Nothing tomorrow because it is a heavy workday and I will be computer bound from 8 am until about 7 pm. I will just want to chill after that because there is a guaranteed headache heading my way. Friday is back to 5k training which I hope with 2 days of rest my shins can handle it.

Overall, I felt like a fat piggy today.

Side Note of Excitement

Despite the fact that I am having trouble finding anything to be excited about these days, I did stumble upon something this morning that makes me slightly happy.

I am joining a running site where I can track my miles and figure out distance and such. Anyway, I am signing up and need to log my resting heart rate. So I checked it. When I started working out in June I had a high heart rate. My resting heart rate ran about 110 or so - it was high, very high. Today my resting heart rate is 78. I am pretty proud of that.

I may still be a fatty, but at least this working out has not been nothing.

Another New Day

Yesterday was not too bad. I did keep good control. I did not drown myself in pop and actually got in a lot of water (I didn't log what I had at night, which I think was like 5 or 6 glasses). I also forgot to mention that I was half tempted to go eat at the ice cream shop last night, but I made supper and avoided the temptation. Well, Jessica is so right that this journaling stuff works, so let's get today started.

9:05 - coffee (I do it iced with a slight amount of sugar and some creamer) That is all so far. Of course I am not hungry yet. I have some editing work for the day which really causes me stress. I am on tight deadlines (like an hour turnaround) and it can be hard to get any time away from the computer. Hope I can make good choices.

10:33 - Have to work soon so I grabbed lunch at the ice cream shop. Never fear, I just got a sandwich. It could have been much worse. We are having grilled chicken for supper, so a low cal supper makes up some for this bad lunch.

6:30 - Had my chicken - ended up being a grilled chicken sandwich, but that was all I had for supper and it was filling. I've had three pops today. Around 4 we did our 5K training, day 1. This was 1.25 miles in 30 minutes. My shins started hurting. I have no clue why since they have not hurt since that first couple times. I hate it when my shins hurt. I was about to cry. Guess I must wrap them now.

Well, tonight was a total crapper. I had another sandwich and half a brownie. Plus I ended at 5 pops for the day. However, with my new found outlook about each day being a new day, I am not going to dwell, but rather take away some lessons that I learned today.

First, I have now discovered that a mid-morning, brunch type meal works best for me to keep hunger at bay all day.

Second, I now know that if I drink pop before dinner that it will throw me off.

So, I will take this knowledge with me for tomorrow - because it is a new day.

Today is a New Day

My new goal is to be in control of everything I eat or drink for month of May, starting today. As long as I feel good about eating it, I can eat it. I know what is good and what is bad. Now let's see if I can control myself and actually make good choices.

I have a lot of bad eating habits. that is why I wanted to try to lose weight without dieting. I really thought I could, but here we are, almost a year of solid exercise and dedication, and I am no better off than I was a year ago. Guess I proved one point - you can not lose weight through exercise alone. In fact, exercise has not really done anything for me, so now the focus is shifting completely.

I am still training for the 5k and plan on exercising Monday to Friday.

I am doing this a little different. Everyone will see my struggle. I am going to just come here and edit this post all day as needed when I have an urge to eat wrong or whatever.

Let's start now:

I just got the kids off to school. It is about 7:30am. I have had nothing to eat or drink yet today. A complete clean slate. It is my choice where to go from here because I have a lot from which to choose. I know I should eat, but I am not hungry at all. I am the type of person that if I am not hungry, I can not get anything down. I think this is why I drink so many calories. I never really feel hungry. I bought shredded mini wheats because I love them and they make a great breakfast, but not in the mood for them right now. I think I will have some water to wash down a water pill - I am seriously retaining major water. We will start there. I also know I am in need of coffee sometime soon.

8:15 - Okay, not too long after I last wrote. I have been in the kitchen a few times and keep thinking that I need to eat something. I got in this habit last week of heading to McD's every morning for an iced coffee and a biscuit sandwich. I know this is not the best choice at all, but my mind keeps going there. I keep thinking that I want to get in the car and head there. I am feeling a little hungry. I have 8 ounces of water down and 8 more in my cup. I know I have mini wheats in there to eat. Not sure. My head hurts a little and my tummy is starting to growl, so I need to do something. I think I am going to look up some calories and compare my options.

10:00 - I still have not eaten anything. My water is gone. I am struggling. Here is the deal - if I eat the mini wheats that is about 300 calories. Now, I know how I am, if the mini wheats are not what I really want then I will just sit here and obsess about eating what I really want and then I will end up eating it and only be adding up the calories. I am not one for empty eating. If I want something I eat it because I know if I don't I will end up just eating things to try to make myself forget about what I really want and then in the end I will end up eating it anyway and have racked up a lot more calories than I would have if I would have just eaten what I wanted in the first place. AHHHHH!!! This is going to drive me insane. I swear. I checked on the calories count for the McD's - horrible. So, what the heck do I do? I am driving myself crazy. I am thinking about holding off and heading to McD's for lunch - surprisingly eating lunch there can be far less damaging than breakfast. Just a half hour. I feel like crap because all I have in me for the day is 2 glasses of water. I've managed to scare myself so much I don't want to eat anything.

10:30 - Okay, didn't go anywhere. I had a fried bologna sandwich with cheese and mustard. I also had a rice pudding (sugar free) and this latte that I whipped up myself - it is yummy.

2:24- Made it through to now okay. I am having a boston creme pie sugar free pudding before the kids get home. I have been working so I grabbed some more water. Drank another 8 ounces. Had another special coffee drink, too.

6:07 Went for a walk around 4. Just finished supper - a taco lasagna thingy. Drank a pop. Have some cake for a snack while I watch tv tonight. Probably will have milk with that or maybe more water.

I bought a 24 hour detox to take tomorrow. Wish me luck. I've never done a detox, but I have nowhere to go, so I think I handle it.

9:05 - I did have that cake and I had a total of 3 pops this evening, but that is a far cry from where I've been. I also think I may hold off for the detox until the weekend. I am not sure how it will work and I don't want to risk having to miss my walk tomorrow. So, weekend for that.

Fed Up with Myself

I have finally had enough of myself. I think there comes a time when you just have to stand back and say enough is enough. Do I really need sugar more than I need to like looking at myself in the mirror? I am just not happy with what I see and I have to do something about it. I have been working for over a year and nothing has happened. If anything, I have gone backwards.

It is time to quit making excuses and to be strong. I have to say no. I have to make myself eat right and I have to just start getting real. I thought doing all this exercise was going to help, but it hasn't. I am to the point where I feel like crap 99% of the time. I do not want to go through another summer as a fatty.

So, I have to get serious. I have to stop eating food I know I should not be eating. I have a feeling I will struggle with a little hunger at first, but I think I can make it. It is time to take charge of my body and make it into the body I want to have.

Spark team created

I created my spark team - Craving Support Group at Spark People.

Please join!



PS - Congrats to my bestest buddy Jessica on finishing her 1st ever 5k!!!

5 miles

Tonight I walked/jogged 5 miles with my dvd. It was long, but fun. I really enjoyed the whole thing and added weights during mile 2 and mile 4. I think once a week is good on that, though. My knees were killing me when I was done.

I am still pondering what to of about a Spark Team. I am serious thinking I am going the support group route, though. Maybe helping others fight their cravings will in turn help me. If nothing else it will at least let people know they are not alone in all this.

Spark Team - Here's what I am thinking

Okay, here is my thought about a Spark Team - something related to addictions. There are spark teams about addictions, but most are just not what I am looking for. I am thinking of more of a place to go to get help when you are suffering from a craving - like a support group. I am pretty much online all the time and I have a program that gives me alerts immediately when I get an email (it even tells me the email subject), so i could easily set it so I get an email for all posts and I could be there when someone needs help fighting a craving.

For hardcore addictions to food (and pop, in my case) this could be an amazing help. I wonder if it would catch on? What do y'all think?

Thinking of Starting a Spark Team

I figure that since I like to lead people and I feel I have a lot of knowledge to share that I want to start a Spark Team. It would be a fun thing to do, I think. My issue is that there are already so many teams, what will my team be about?

I have to look around and see what teams are already there and where there may be a need for a new one. If you have any ideas, let me know!